Chase celebrates his half birthday today. He’s our rainbow baby (a baby that's born after the parents have a pregnancy loss). We suffered our devastating loss in August of 2020. A loss that I preferred not to talk about outside of the four walls of my therapist’s office. Finding out I was pregnant with baby number two was met with so much excitement. But, at one of my initial OB appointments, I was informed that things weren’t looking good and that I should, “prepare my heart for the worst.” I was devastated. However, I prayed that baby would pull through. A few days later, I had this unusual sense of peace; for some reason I knew this would be my angel baby. Later that week, the doctors confirmed that I had suffered a missed miscarriage. It was still so shocking, especially when your first child was conceived with such ease. When I’m desperate for answers, I do A LOT of googling. I started to realize just how common it is to miscarry. However, many women don’t talk about it (understandably), and I will always respect a woman’s right to tell her own story when, how, and IF she desires to do so.
One of the hardest parts of this process was sharing the news with friends and family. They did not take it well…it broke my heart to see them so distraught. After all, I was able to brace myself, but they were not. I allowed them their space to grieve; when their grief felt too overwhelming, I allowed myself space to process my feelings alone. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I developed a fever (this was in the height of the pandemic). I thought to myself, “Please don’t let it be Covid.” Kamaal encouraged me to go to the ER. They admitted me, and I could sense the physician’s deep concern. They kept running tests: blood work, vitals, sonograms etc…I was shivering uncontrollably, and no amount of warm blankets made me feel any better. The doctors soon informed me that they were treating me for sepsis, and all I could think about was being away from my Micah Bear. We had never been apart overnight…and what’s worse is your mind goes to a dark place…wondering if you’ll actually make it out okay. The medical team (and all of my medical friends) were absolutely amazing. They made sure my mind was at ease and that I had the absolute best care. I was released a few days later and was able to start my healing journey-- both physically and emotionally.
A healthy pregnancy is truly one of life’s greatest miracles. There are so many things that can go wrong. God blessed us with my little Chasey a year later, born on National Rainbow Baby Day (August 22nd). Imagine that! I’m always praying for women who are on the journey to motherhood, because becoming a mom is no easy feat. I share this story in hopes that someone going through pregnancy loss will feel comforted and know that you are not alone.
Maternity shoot by: https://marybosotu.com/#/
Picture by me, it's really hard to get him to sit still these days! haha!